once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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