well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
