I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
