next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
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