my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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