You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
