It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
