I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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