Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
