someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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