I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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