i was born a porn star she said
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
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