she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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