clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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