Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
