My liver just broke up with me...
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
