if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I look better un-naked...
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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