okay pat passed out under dana's car
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Randomize
