Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
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