I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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