the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
