That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
