dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
