Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
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