I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
