I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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