You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Randomize
