She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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