Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
