I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
