I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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