Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
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