oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize