sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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