i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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