oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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