My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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