i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
