please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
