The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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