we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
