McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
