My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
