i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
