...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
