Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
