Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
