That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
