I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
