He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
