Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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