I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
