So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
