He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
